Home Assignment Blues

The stress of home assignment for missionaries is something few people sitting in church on Sunday morning ever consider. A lot of us assume missionaries long for their furlough and circle it on the calendar, like a long awaited family vacation to the Grand Canyon. In reality, a home assignment for many missionaries is anticipated with the same eagerness as root canal work or a colonoscopy.

“Hey kids, whadya say we travel across the US living out of suitcases for several months, sleeping in a different bed every night, having people ask us the same questions - or no questions - for weeks at a time? Won’t that be fun?” That’s the home assignment routine for many missionaries.

As stressful as that can be, there’s something even more troubling to missionaries on home assignment. And that’s dealing with their own dysfunctional extended families. It’s seeing the unresolved pain in their families that oozes out and ensnares them back into unhealthy patterns of relating they thought they had gotten over long ago.

Recently I was with a group of missionaries on home assignment, and while some of them have wonderful extended families who are a joy to be with, many of these workers spoke with great emotion about the difficulty of dealing with mom-dad-brother-sister, and divorced parents with their new spouses. They talked about the stress of unrealistic expectations of extended family. They talked about feeling helpless and at a loss for what to do. They talked about how they can’t wait to leave it all and return to the field.

So what do you do if you’re a missionary on home assignment in this situation? It starts with thinking hard about what it means as an adult to love and honor one’s parents - and what it doesn’t mean. To love and honor an aging parent begins with thinking about life from their perspective. What is it like to be them? It’s not a pretty picture for many elderly. America is run by the young and it marginalizes the aged. The church is no different. We treat our elderly like teenage boys treat their kid sister. It’s difficult for many older folks to deal with this loss of significance. Couple this loss of meaning, often accompanied by the other losses that come with aging, and the loss of their adult children to a missionary life overseas can bring out the worst in the best of them.

But that’s them and their story. It’s the assignment God has given them - the same assignment he’ll give all of us one day. And just as the Holy Spirit is there for us and our children, he is there for our parents too - no matter how old they are. Let’s not interfere with his work. Don’t make it our job to work and work at helping mom and dad handle their assignment better, which will drive ourselves nuts in the process. Fact is, apart from God working in their lives they probably won’t change much. But we can.

Where we can change is to love and honor them better. To love and honor our parents is to care for their physical and spiritual needs as best we can. It’s to pray for them. It’s to be concerned for their safety and take measures to secure it for them as we are able. It’s to make sacrifices for them on occasion in ways that do not detract from our responsibilities to other important people in our lives - namely our own children and spouse if we have them.

Most of us don’t have problems with this part of the love and honor. Where it gets tricky though, is when aging parents call upon adult children to meet their emotional needs. Where they draw their children in to fill emotional holes in their hearts that God never intended for a child to fill. And it’s usually something they’re not even aware they’re doing. But when a parent is more about getting from their adult children then giving, that’s when we really need to pay attention. Here are some questions we can ask ourselves when we start feeling the stress of being with Mom and Dad while on home assignment:

“What’s behind Mom and Dad’s behavior right now? What needs are they trying to express and is God calling me to meet any of those needs?”

“I wonder if mom and dad are afraid of something...maybe something they’re not aware of. Is there an opening they’re giving me to talk about this with them?”

“To what extent is their behavior a consequence of choices they’ve made? How can I honor them by letting them live with their choices, even though they may be choices I would never make for myself?”

“Am I stressed because I’m wanting my mom or dad to be someone they’re not? Am I stressed because I need or want something from them that they’re incapable of giving?”

“Why is it so hard for me to say ‘no’ to them? Why is it so hard for me to let them be upset or disappointed with the choices I make?”

“Am I giving them too much power in determining my happiness?”

“What am I taking responsibility for that is truly not mine?”

“What openings are mom and dad giving me where I can best speak into their lives to help them be all that God created them to be? How can I reflect God’s image well in relating with them?

If your home assignment is just the opposite of all that I’ve described you are blessed! But I hope this discussion makes us all a bit more sensitive to our colleagues who are not so fortunate. In being a friend to them, maybe we can ask them the same questions suggested above.

And if you are singing the “Home Assignment Blues” yourself you might want to read more on the subject of dealing with relational conflict. Two of my favorites are The Anatomy of Peace - Resolving the Heart of Conflict, by the Arbinger Institute, and Dennis D. Morgan's Fighting for Peace - Combating Conflict with Character.

The first is a secular book that espouses biblical principles. It’s not light reading, but well worth the effort. The second is an easier read that says we have conflict because of too much pride and too little humility. Plenty of biblical references support the author’s thesis.

With God’s help in changing us - not our parents, maybe we’ll be able to stop singing “The Home Assignment Blues” and begin humming show tunes from Home Assignment - the Musical where Families Learn to Smile at Each Others' Faults.

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